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Fairytales, Myths, and Your Kids

By
FK
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0

The community libraries here are functional and easy to navigate. They are divided into sections that make it easy to locate whichever book you are looking for. The shelves are labeled and the books are color coded such that you can tell if the content matches your interests or values. When I visit the library I spend the most time in the kiddies section, it’s cozier. The books are categorized for different age groups, and as you would expect, those for infants and toddlers contain more pictures than text. The pages are also made of hard paper to prevent tearing. Pardon my oversharing; I just love how deliberate, inclusive, and self-maintaining the system is.

SA borrowed some books and got one for Ari. I was excited to read that it provided answers to curious children’s questions. As I flipped the pages I looked forward to learning simple ways to educate curious minds. The answers to the first two questions about why the ocean is blue and what rainfall is were: fishes cry blue tears and flying fishes are crying.

I was disappointed. There is indeed a species of fish that can fly/glide in the air for short intervals – the flying cod), but fish don’t fly nor do they cry.

While I understand that we’ve built an industry from fairytales and myths for kids and adults alike, I continue to ponder the hidden effects of the falsehood of fairytales. I am not talking about ‘happily ever after’ endings; these are not necessarily make-believe. I am talking about how we buy gifts for our kids and tell them it was Santa Claus rewarding their good behavior. Or that a fairy replaced their broken tooth with some money while they slept. I am no tooth fairy and I have no idea why we are swapping teeth for cash.

Indeed fairytales give room for imagination and kids feel a sense of ‘anything is possible for me’. But does it translate into creativity? Is it more empowering to feed a curious mind with falsehood, than to break down complex answers into the simplest possible truths?

In church, I interact with kids across different age brackets. I don’t teach them, I just love to have casual chats with them now and then. There is a beautiful 3-year-old called Dukia, and she talks. I honestly think she would laugh at me for being silly if I told her that flying fishes are crying.

With a prism, you can show your kid something that makes them marvel for days! The realization that inside light (sunlight or torch light) there are all these other beautiful colors – just like the rainbow. The seawater is like a prism (glass). Some of the colors enter into the sea and so we can’t see them, but the blue-like colors don’t enter, they stay on top of the sea, so we see only that.

Khali_Handkerchief

picture from @bloesemkids

We need to stop acting like school is where discovery starts and ends. A hand lens, rubric cubes, and paint sets (which you may even make from your scrap) should be in your home just as paw patrol toys are.  One afternoon after school, I must have been 7 or 8, I was playing outside the compound with other kids. One of our neighbors returned from work and asked me to follow her to her apartment. She had come home with materials that we (her 3 daughters, herself, and I) used to make embroidered handkerchiefs that afternoon. That experience has stayed with me ever since, knowing people did things like that in their homes.

You are probably thinking; the hustle for a livelihood is real and there is no time for this. Well, as parents we can choose the seeds we sow or not, but keep in mind that nothing extraordinary is convenient. It is common for parents to see a child prodigy and say; see your mate! But we don’t stop to compare parenting styles. And if you say that it is all about genetics and not nurture – the joke is on you.

There were three peculiar sisters in my secondary school. Each girl led her entire set from start to finish. The youngest of the trio was in my set, and she was the Head Girl in our final year (SS3). When as a group we had come to our wits’ end in solving a math, physics, or chemistry problem, we’d take it to this girl, and that would be that. It was the same with her sister before her, and their eldest sister before them. There wasn’t one subject where they weren’t leading. Three girls, one home; what was happening in that house? There had to be something the parents were doing and I doubt it included stories of crying fish.

Another thing that disturbs me about all these fairytales and magical fantasies for kids is this; in a Christian home how do we combine the teachings of God and His power, with Cinderella’s fairy godmother and the tooth fairy? How do you tell them to be good so they can get gifts from Santa Claus in December, but to also be good just because God says so? Isn’t it confusing?

Hmm… I don’t know. You decide.

Embracing Equity – The Zelophehad Sisters

By
FK
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0

IWD2023

Now, much more than ever, International Women’s Day (IWD) is becoming well-celebrated and publicized, with organizations hosting events to commemorate the day, and people (men and women) across the world sharing pictures with gestures depicting the year theme. In fact, the month of March is fast becoming one for awareness and sensitization on gender inclusion and equity.  This is rightly so. The IWD is indeed an essential reminder of the role women play in the development and sustainability of any community, sector, or economy. I join the rest of the world to celebrate women and the many efforts (small and large scale) towards recreating the environment as an equal enabler for women.

I recently read Numbers 27 (It’s a book in the Bible), and it struck me that even as far back as 1450 BC there were women already advocating for the rights of women, for more inclusive laws (policies), especially in the distribution of productive resources. What an evolution!

IWD: International Women's Day 2023 campaign theme: #EmbraceEquity

They were 5 sisters, but this will do; LOL!

If you’d like to know the back story please read Numbers 27:1-11, Numbers 36, and Joshua 17:3. Here, I will dive into four, plus one extra lesson we can appreciate and emulate from the actions of the Zelophehad sisters as we continue to advocate for reforms and policies that are gender inclusive and equal.

The power of Agency:

There were five sisters affected, and five of them showed up. If only one had shown up, she may not have been taken seriously. She may not even have communicated as clearly and firmly. In today’s world, you don’t have to be affected; merely knowing that your future daughter, your beloved nieces, or your sister may face some form of discrimination, or disenfranchisement should make you eager to stand with and for gender equity at any and every level.

Perhaps if the entire women of Israel had come and spoken with the Zelophedad sisters, the new law may have been even more inclusive.

I do believe in the power of one. However, taking Nigeria for example, we would find that there is more power vested in ‘agency’ than ‘individuality’ when it comes to advocacy.

Be tactical

These sisters did not go to the market square, stripping themselves naked, pouring ash on their heads, and crying – we have no help! We have no help! No. They developed a speech that appealed to the irrefutable quality of the ultimate decision-maker – Justice! God is just. They were likely thinking this way – “We need to let Him see how excluding us from the land allocations is unjust”. We know He cannot be unjust, we know it, so we must build our case on that”.  “Our father died, he had no sons, will you wipe out his name from the fold for something that is no fault of his? He has daughters, through us his name lives on, give us his land!”.

Who is the policy maker? Where do their interests lie and what is their mandate?  If this situation is turned around, how does it enable or contribute to their mandate? We must put forward our competence and strength of character, not sell weakness. Women have value and tremendous abilities, and we must show the world what it is missing. This works way better than organizing a pity party. Pity parties get hand-downs.

Also, we will be clear about what we want without infusing insults into our message.

Approach the right office or channel

These sisters did not go to the leaders of their clan or the wives of the priests. Some folks know your pain, but they don’t believe your pain is unfair, they think you should just suck it up because that’s just how the world works. They’d tell you “That’s how my mother lived, that’s how I am living too, why should you want different?” These ones will either make you lose courage or stand as roadblocks. Besides they have no real power to effect the change you want to see. You have to get it right with the channel of advocacy.

These sisters came to the doorway of the holy tabernacle, where Moses and all the priests were gathered. Here Moses would have no choice but to consult God – “so how do we tackle this one Lord?” It was God the sisters came to meet, they knew Moses would have to consult him if they came here.

Be content with changing the norm in small steps

One would imagine that success would have looked like a new law allowing all women in all 12 tribes of Israel to inherit and own land. Well, they didn’t get that. Instead, where there are no sons, the daughters could now inherit land. This is change, progress, and impact because it is one step better than what it was before they spoke up.

The extra  one: The power of precedence

This is one word every HR person is familiar with, and while I worked in that space, it always helped stir the heart or force the hand of the management team towards a policy amendment or development. In this story, one cannot miss how God did not just say, ok give these ladies some land and let’s be done with it. No. He went further and made it the law. If we can be courageous enough to do it even though it has never been done, to say it as it has never been said, and to demand what has never been given; when we succeed we raise the bar, and others after us need not fight that battle again.

Happy IWD2023!!!

Picture from https://www.internationalwomensday.com/theme

Maximizing the Valentine Season

By
FK
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1

Hey there!

This post was meant to be a movie review. I had seen the movie ‘The Wait’ and done a lovely piece where I detailed some lessons I wanted to share. However my laptop had a glitch and after fixing that, the document reverted to a very scanty first version. I will not be redoing it as I am too pained to try, so I am moving on, and TGiF (Thank God it’s February!)

February is always so infused with love. So far you’ve got data on your phone, you cannot escape the love bug in the air. I bet you have at least 2 – 3 vendors posting valentine’s sales on your TL, from clothing and perfumes to cakes and paranran. Like me, you may also have a couple of guys protesting campaigning for how they should also be at the receiving end of gifts and affection this season.

Anyways, this is a simple reminder that whether it’s valentine’s or it’s your anniversary, these dates come and go and the regular days are what you have 98% of the time. What are you doing with those? Are you also deliberate about love, commitment, responsibility, consideration, and forbearance, on regular days? The days when there aren’t any external frenzies to stir up and drive your emotions.

While happy Christian marriages/homes are a great encouragement to many onlookers who are being fed with news of divorce and breakup all over social media today, it is more important that beyond appearing happy, your marriage is thriving!

As a babe who loves the entire 9-mile of romance, I encourage you to please go all out in showing your spouse that they are cherished and well appreciated. However, if your marriage or relationship is not on course as God would have it be, then this is a perfect opportunity to make the needed changes. The flowers and gifts are great. But let communication for healing, and a determination to begin to strengthen your relationship, with Jesus at its center, accompany the lovely gifts.

It is always better to make it work between yourselves (and God). It is however good to have the discernment or at least common sense to know when it is pertinent to involve an appropriate 3rd party for help. There is no shame in getting help, just be careful about the ‘who’ and ‘when’.

Now tell me, what’s a good post without some gist?
I was craving some lovey-dovey time with just SA (let me spell that out – some time alone with my husband, in the absence of our daughter). No need to let your mind run wild, I only had a city tour and late-night dinner in mind, nothing indoors. However, this dream is not to be actualized this 14th, as we both have conflicting schedules while Ari is in preschool. So we’ll try again, on some regular day.

What are you and yours doing this 14th? If you’ve not made plans, well it’s not too late, you’ll find 10 great ideas here.

Happy Valentine’s to you and yours,

Till your next visit here, stay blooming.

Revisit Your Goals

By
FK
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1
New year resolutions 2023 on desk. 2023 resolutions list with notebook, coffee cup on table. Goals, resolutions, plan, action, checklist concept. New Year 2023 template, copy space

Hey Friend!

Welcome to the new month. I am super grateful for the gift of life that you and I enjoy and excited that you are here with me again.

Journaling daily has hardly been my thing, however, I decided to be intentional about reflecting, re-strategizing, and re-aligning, this year. Between December and the first few days of this year, I documented resolutions (more ideally – goals, and new habits that would help me get them). I divided my aspirations into three core areas; Spirit, Soul & Body. I defined the things I would like to see myself being by the year’s end and then listed many things I would need to do to connect the ‘me’ of December 2022 to the ‘me’ of December 2023.

As January rounded off, I reflected on the things I had penned down and I am sharing some things that jumped at me.

  • I had done the things in which there was an established accountability system: For example, one of the goals under ‘Spirit’ is to read/study the whole bible in one year: I have completed the books of Genesis & Job and I’m already one-fourth gone into the book Exodus. I am in a WhatsApp group with several people I do not know, but also with a long-time pastor-mentor who would drop chats and emoticons in my dm if he didn’t see me update my progress. I am not doing it because he would check in, I am doing it because imbibing God’s word more than any year before is a way to build my faith. It connects the dots between my spiritual mindedness in 2022 to the person I want to be by the last month of this year. However, being accountable keeps me in remembrance and motivates me on days when I feel tired or weighed down enough to care less about this goal.
  • An answered prayer made me forget some things that mattered: Since September 2022 I had stopped working from a physical office site, and have been an indoor mom. That changed and now I am out most times a week. I realized that this new ‘busy-ness’ had rid my consciousness of other things I had committed to doing, not because I can’t make the effort to do them, but because I just got carried away with the ‘new thing’. These things I forgot are more instrumental and beneficial to my long-term success, than the few bucks this ‘new thing’ would bring my way at the moment. Recognize low-hanging fruits for what they are, be grateful for them in fact, but never let go of the bigger picture.
  • If you’re struggling with developing habits that are essential for an area of your life, you can try unpacking the consequences. I have always placed more value on the spirit and mind, however with growth and now motherhood, I am more aware of how disruptive it can be to be ill. This realization has made it easier for me to refrain from some unhealthy eating habits. I now cook with so little oil (I documented down to this detail, for real), reduced my intake of soda and goodies significantly, have stuck with walking when I can just hop on a bus, and now use multivitamins (specifically for women my age) daily, despite my dislike for drugs.
  • One month is too long a time to revisit my note; I opened it and was stunned at the countless things I had forgotten that I was supposed to be doing! They weren’t even difficult tasks, I forgot because I hadn’t opened the note in 27 days. I know doing this weekly is not a routine I can commit to, but bi-weekly should work. Revisit your plans, goals, and all of those things you thought about and wrote about as the year began. Revisit them in the shortest intervals possible. As you go you’d find that some things need to be struck out as they shouldn’t have been there in the first place, you’d also be encouraged to keep up with the ones that matter.

I rewrote my ‘vision 2023 – spirit, soul & body’. I left out some things from the old page and added some new things. That is the whole point after all, from good to best.

Here are some other things you may consider documenting; they’d likely stun you to tears by the end of the year.

  • Personal prayers answered
  • Intercessory prayers answered
  • Gifts, favors, compliments & awards received, etc.
  • Milestones achieved (you &/or your loved ones)

 

Till your next time here, stay blooming!

Of Loved Ones Lost and for Those Alive

By
FK
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7
The death of a loved one is a tough experience for anyone.

Has it ever dawned on you that someone is lost to you forever? I am not writing about breakups or family feuds, after all, we’ve seen sworn enemies become good friends – when there is life anything is possible. This is about death, the realization that you’d never see a certain person nor hear their voice again till your dying day (or Christ’s return). It’s a weird feeling – as though they’ve just been deleted from the earth, and only your memories of them will remain as proof that they were ever here. Whether they’ve been long ill or if it came like snow in August, the death of a loved one is a tough experience for anyone.

I know a thing or two about loss. You see, my maternal grandparents were quite involved in my childhood, I lived with them for the second six months of my life, spent every Christmas with them till after high school, and attended a university that was only NGN50 bus fare away from their residence, and lived with them while in my 2nd year at the university. As a youngster, I slept in both their rooms and took liberties that their children (my mum and her siblings) wouldn’t dare. We were like that!

One night, during my National Youth Service in Enugu, I got a call from home, “Grandpa died today”. I was stunned. Four years later his wife, my grandmother, followed suit.

The death of both grandparents taught me some lessons that corrected certain ideologies and habits I had prior to their demise. I realized that even though I felt sad about losing them, nothing surpassed the feeling of regret in my heart. I knew I could have been a better granddaughter to them by merely calling to check on them from time to time, and perhaps making the visit I kept postponing for four years to my grandmother.

Often times we put off doing things because we feel it’s not good enough yet, or would not measure up. So, we postpone doing it all together until some other time in the future – which may never come. I was eager to finish NYSC and get an excellent job so that I could also start to reach out to (help) people, my grandparents included. As a teenager, I remember telling my grandmother that I was going to take her abroad someday. So, you see I told myself sending NGN200-500 airtime to their phones wasn’t good enough, I’ll just wait till I get a good job, by God’s grace, so that I can do this and do that for them instead. I didn’t call much either, I would tell myself that they had over six children, and they were certainly overwhelmed with attention and love – plus they knew I loved them, right?

The feeling of regret hurts the most, I didn’t want to feel that ever again.

It was at my grandmother’s funeral that I decided I was going to do whatever was within my power to show that I care while those I love are here (and while I am here). Whether it is as little, or as much, so far it is what I am able to do, and I will do it. That feeling of regret hurts the most, I didn’t want to feel that ever again.

Do you have parents alive? Please, don’t wait till you ‘blow’ to be present in their lives, be present now. If you don’t have money, at least call and text them. Make them laugh, let them gist and gossip with you, and let them know you care. Be patient with their ‘forwarded many times’ WhatsApp broadcast messages, accept them, and in fact respond with – “wow, daddy, se looto?” Lol! If you have money, please reach out to your folks with your resources. Whether they were good to you or not, continuously sow the seeds of love and honor.

How about your family? The spouse you’re always fighting with? The children you wish would grow up quickly and just leave your house? My mum told me of what a widowed woman once said to her upon hearing of the demise of her husband (who had genuinely hurt her) – she said “Mummy, please tell him to come back home – I don’t want to fight anymore. I will do whatever he wants me to do for the rest of my life, just tell him to come back home.”

Nobody is worth you spending eternity in hell.

It’s hard indeed to let love reign when we have been deeply hurt, but I think understanding the fragility of life, and believing in the gospel of Christ and eternity in heaven or hell can make the decision easier. If you will not forgive for their sake, please forgive for your own sake. This is why I may not be the one to tell anyone to stay put in a marriage that is hurting them and embittering their soul. I know some people would be alarmed at this, but that’s alright. God hates divorce, but more importantly, he hates for you to lose your salvation and go to hell. If anything will take you to hell, please my brother and sister, leave that thing. Nobody is worth you spending trillions of years (and that’s just a start) in hell. Nobody, not society, and certainly not ‘church’.

‘I have too little to give’ is the onset of selfishness.

I lost someone a few weeks back and it cut really deep not only because of the pain I felt, but I could also imagine the pain of certain other people who loved him. It felt like a minus to humanity, not numerically but in terms of the love, goodness, and kindness that ruled his heart. I wanted to go out on the streets and scream – “hello folks, we just lost a good man!”

This time though I did not feel regret, and that has helped my grief a tard bit. Every 1st day of the month in 2021 I texted him and he replied each time. I had called and chatted with him from time to time, and on his birthday I had been the first to reach out to him with good wishes and a cash gift. I recall that SA had jokingly called me ‘FK spending’ that morning, and he was right because, to be honest, it did not make sense – who gifts an ocean a drop of water? But when he called to say thank you and pray as though I had just bought him a house, I was glad for what I did.

A man I know says – “ko to’nkan nin so’yan di ahun”. That is – thinking that what you have is too little to share/give, is usually the onset of selfishness.

I urge you to make a deliberate effort to say hello to folks, give gifts, and make donations. Someone you know just delivered a baby – send them 2k (if that’s what you can afford) and tell them it’s for baby wipes. A colleague is getting married – let your money be part of the donation. You see those GoFundMe links about someone who needs open heart surgery costing 12 million – drop your small 4k.

Everyone loves to be celebrated – post your friend on their birthday, call that old-time friend you haven’t spoken with in a while, drop funny stickers like my friend Paul Ilesanmi, encourage your friend’s business – buy from them or refer them, like their post (start by subscribing to my blog), just try and add color to people’s lives as you have the power to.

You see people die – that is life. The people we lose no longer feel anything, neither hate nor love, no regret, and no pain. It is we who are alive that can reflect and evaluate how we impacted their lives. I don’t ever want to feel like there was something I could have done, said, or given to bring joy to a person’s life while alive, and didn’t.

Truth be told I can’t do everything, but I can do something.

Till your next visit here, stay blooming.

Thinking of Celebrating Someone Special? Top 10 Ideas

By
FK
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10

Some of us are a fountain of innovation and creativity when celebrating a loved one, the rest of us dread it. It’s not that we love this special someone any less, we just wish they’d tell us what they want! The thinking and planning and all that mushy stuff, are just not our way. Well, whichever divide you’re on, here are ten ideas on what you can do to celebrate that special someone on a big day, or a random one.

  1. Picture Book: Last year, a friend of mine shared the picture book his girlfriend made for him for his birthday. It was a comic book, with several pages depicting them both as cartoons, and her saying lots of sweet things about him and their relationship. It was ingenious! Out of the norm and touching. I attempted replicating it for SA on his birthday in 2021 but didn’t get the right vendor in time. Side gossip; my friend got married one year later to a different lady.

Money Bouquet - A Luxury Mix of Cash And Roses Credit: flowersandflowers.com.ng

2. Flowers – Say what? African women love flowers, for real. They just prefer it when the petals are made of rolled legal tender, or better still, hard currency. Jokes aside, try flowers as an addition to everything else on their birthday, or any day at all that you want to celebrate them. I know that I was thrilled when flowers got delivered to my office on my birthday, and they decorated our dining table for days. Always remember to add a note – mandatorily. Then you may choose to throw in some chocolate and movie tickets for two. Another great time to buy flowers is when your spouse is unwell, but remember to always add a note.

3. Record a Video with family & friends: While this is quite common, it evokes the right feeling when done right. So why not? I have done recordings on request for people who wanted to make a video from well-wishers for their partner. I have also had a video made for me. You can tweak it from being a well-wishes video to one where your close friends and/or family mention how happy they are that you’re in this person’s life. (i.e., Hi Segun, I want you to know that Tolu’s eyes light up with excitement every time she talks about you). Who wouldn’t love to hear this? Disclaimer: Please be smart enough to not include folks your partner wouldn’t appreciate seeing, e.g. an ex-.

4. Print a Prayer Booklet: A friend of mine shared this with me recently. She had reached out to friends and colleagues of her partner and gotten notes (prayers and well-wishes) which she compiled with their pictures in a booklet. She splattered pictures of him and his friends all around. Of course, the last well-wisher was her, and she did a good job making her comments more about him than them (her and him). I haven’t gotten feedback on his reaction, but who wouldn’t love that?

Credit: Jon Tyson (Unsplash)

5. Surprise Party/Hangout: The focus should be on what he/she loves not what you love. This is a common issue in relationships; one partner feels like they are making effort but it is not being appreciated. Hey sis/bro, are you doing what you love or what they love? If you’d plan a hangout or party, make sure your spouse loves that. If what she/he prefers is to cuddle beneath a duvet, and eat pizza while you rewatch a favorite movie, by all means, do so!  Also, you must bring the right mix of people. Don’t invite all of your friends over just because they are available, invite people she loves to have around. These two things can make all the difference. The trick of romance is thoughtfulness. A little gesture can mean so much when it’s thought through, presented specially, and at the right time.

6. Record a Song: Now you’re thinking “FK, this is taking it too far!” No. You don’t need a studio for this, nor a Timi Dakolo kinda voice. You can choose to sing, chant, or just read with a tune playing in the background. Also, there are applications on the internet that can help you create customized songs, you simply have to tell them the story and they create the tune e.g. Songfinch.com. I saw a clip of a woman who did a recording for her husband and played it in the car on their way somewhere – it wasn’t his birthday and the kids were in the car. It just came up on the car stereo and oh my, how he wept! She told the story of their life together from how they met through the storms they’ve weathered and the bliss they’ve enjoyed, how much she loved him, and how proud his late mum would have been of the man and father he has become. Epic!

7. Date night – Unlike the party/hangout, this is for just you two. It’s not so much about how classy the restaurant is or how costly the food is as it is about how much deliberateness you put into it. If you’ve got the funds buy them a dinner outfit otherwise just take some time helping them choose what to wear. Make a reservation (do people know how easy it is to do this? …and at no extra cost most times). The trick here is to make a big deal out of it – and how hard can that be?

8. Give him/her Some ‘Me Time’: ‘Me time’ means – by themself, not with you, and certainly not with the kids. For this to be appealing to your spouse, it has to be that me-time is beneficial for them. e.g a mum with a toddler or a spouse in the ministry who needs rest/retreat. Be sensible about it though; some spots should be visited with a lover – don’t send your spouse off there by themselves for me time ooo. I muueeve.

9. Billboard Ad: Coughs. If you can afford it, and you know your spouse would instantly or eventually be swept off their feet over this, please get it done. I think it was two years ago a celebrity did this for her husband, he was at the airport when a LED screen suddenly displayed his picture and birthday wishes from her. He loved it! If you can’t do Led Screen, please do signpost or lamp-post, just be on the lookout for LASAA (if you’re in Lagos for instance), and don’t look for me when they catch you.

Credit: Chijioke O.

10. Cook a Special Meal: I think this works best on ordinary days. Is there a meal that they have been longing for, or one they loved at someplace you both visited? Try it! These days you’d find 101 ways to make any dish on Youtube. a couple of days back SA thrilled me with bread toast well spread with melty butter, and a steamy cup of coffee – extra simple right? It was the timing that made it special. I had been on my laptop since 8:00 am when we woke and only took short breaks for breakfast and to cater to Ari, and it was now 2:30 pm. I was on a work call when the bedroom door opened and in came the tray. It wasn’t lunch, but it felt good. While this was a simple gesture, you can make it more than that. Surf the internet and get ideas on how to set a table. You don’t have to cook everything, could be just the main meal, while you order fruit salads and pepper soup for starters and some pastries and cookies for dessert. Buy a bottle of good wine – for the zero alcoholics you can try Apple Cider Martinelli or the now-popular Chamdor. Now you see that candle shop that no one enters at the malls, branch in there, and buy some scented candles for special effects.

What not to do:

a. Do not gift your wife a washing machine, please. In this age, that is a very unfortunate thing to do. Please know the difference between a household appliance and a gift.

b. On this paranran thing, before you send paranran to your partner’s office, call their HR and find out if paranran is policy compliant. It can be quite embarrassing for both the celebrant and his/her colleagues if it is not a welcomed practice.

c. Special sex for special days is a no-no. Trust me I understand, it’s not every time couples are up for full cycle, mindblowing sexcapades, and so there may be days when it seems more essential than exciting. Notwithstanding, it is better to be driven by a mindset that attempts to make every experience truly exciting, as opposed to settling into the mundane and looking forward to your birthday. Nope.

It’s been a long worthy read, I hope you agree.

Till your next visit – stay blooming!

Feature picture – Getty Image

The Luckiest Girl Alive

By
FK
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1

I saw a movie a couple of weeks back – The Luckiest Girl Alive. It’s based on a novel, yet I wouldn’t rate it so highly. I say that because I am partial to movies based on books. I believe that they often have better story lines, suspense and thrill. This one did not, but it had a sensible ending, and there was a message from that ending that I could relate with. It felt like a gentle push to keep going when I didn’t even realize I had stopped, a subtle ‘yes’ to a question I hadn’t even asked. Tell your story. Many people may never tell theirs, but they’d be encouraged, and even find healing from your courage.

Before the 16th of October 2022, It had been months since I last blogged, and even when I published the last post before that, I didn’t publicize it. Only subscribers would have seen it, and that’s actually a small fraction of my readers. It was like sending a message and hoping it delivers but does not get opened.

A quick digress, why do people hesitate in subscribing? You love what you read, you even comment and commend, but you don’t subscribe? Why? There is no annual fee attached, nothing. Do subscribe please, it encourages me to write more, and shows your support, I kid you not. Ok! enough of that.

Subscribe naaaaaw…

So, back to pre- 16th October, I had (still have) lots of drafts written, unpublished, and abandoned. I pour them out from my heart, very honestly, and when I am done, the big question is – Folake do you really want to share this? Do you want them to know this? What would this person or that person think? That, is how again, it becomes nothing more than just another draft. I care about how much you know – the struggles of personal blogging. Sighs. So where does that leave us? You’ve got nothing quality to read, and I am neck dip in stuff I want to share.

Wahala be like bicyle!

When I started out, I did not imagine that this would demand vulnerability. Yes, there you have it, my hesitation to be vulnerable is why I take long pauses. A senior blogger (not blogger for seniors, I mean Ogbonge blogger) that I follow said to me – “I feel that way too, so I do it when I am ready, and when I am ready I don’t care what anybody thinks”. Said just like The luckiest girl alive!

Someone, out there, somewhere, is waiting for your courage. Always waiting.

Thank you for reading – I am particularly dedicating this to everyone who shares personal stories and struggles, not only after its now a success, but while they’re in the process. It’s nothing short of courageous. There is always someone who needs it now.

Till your next visit – stay blooming!

Help! I am learning Svenska!

By
FK
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32

Svenska is the Swedish language.

A couple of weeks back, my family and I left the shores of Nigeria for Sweden – a quiet country in Northern Europe. I can’t tell you so much about Sweden in one post, and not just yet, as I still know too little, but I will in the near future. Today learn about my dilemma!

Many Swedes understand and speak English (Engelska), however there is still an overwhelming sense of language preservation – it’s as though the language itself embodies the culture. Most Swedes will not speak to you in English until and unless they absolutely have to (excluding government agencies dealing with immigrants and essential services workers, understandably). Also, most cooperate vacancies require some level of communication capability in English & Svenska. Uhmph!

So, I am integrating – painfully so. I am learning the Swedish language.

How do you teach a beginner Svenska with Svenska? Egba mi! (Collect Deliver me!)

My first day in class, I was puzzled, in fact bewildered. How do you teach a beginner Svenska with Svenska? No kidding, these guys were instructing first timers with 95% svenska and 5% sign language, and the annoying part is that they understand English! If a student speaks English, V. (my teacher) would pause, smile, and repeat herself in Svenka. Twenty minutes into the session on day 2, I was weeping, scratch that, I was wailing inside of me. A barrage of questions were running through my mind: Folake ki lo wa de Sweden? Wetin lost for your hand wey you find reach here? Did God bring you here abi you brought yourself? Heheheheh! Yes, my body was in that building, but my spirit and soul were at heaven’s gate. 

You get it?

Now imagine finally getting back home after 3 tormenting hours (V. is a great teacher so I feel sorry to say that), viewing WhatsApp statuses so I can laugh and cool my heated head, only to repeatedly see naija folks posting – “ehn o, it is where God say you should be that you should be o, or else your eyes will see shege” Looool! Omo! The thing be like say na me dem dey follow talk, because that class was the definition of shege.

Well, that’s not exactly how they posted it, but you get the drift. I really felt for myself. I could easily have been back in my hood, doing Sahel fhingz jeje. (Oro yi toun terin). I recall gisting my dad about that particular class, and before the prayers came, he laaaaughed, baba use me laugh ehn. 

I wrote the part in green by the way – na my work, na me run am, Clap for me!

We are only two Africans in my class, a class of 20 or so. I know three Nigerians who said they stopped going after a few classes, I am hoping I won’t be the 4th.

By the way, I am drafting a piece on this japa thing – from a different lens, I hope you get to read it soon. Seeing the type of way that certain opinions on social media tempted me feel on that night (I say ‘tempted’ because I sabi flee all appearances of evil), I realized that many people are writing things and sharing comments that though ordinarily harmless and perhaps intended to be so, can actually be toxic and distressing to folks who are settling into new countries. You think it was easy for Abraham? Naaa! Make sure you read it when it drops, you can also subscribe so that you don’t miss it.

That it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not the way. That it’s challenging does not mean it’s not God leading. I can’t promise that I wont quit Swedish classes, I swear V. dey carry me go where I no know. But, I’ll stay strong, and I’ll trust in His purpose, on this journey away from home.

If you tease me in the comment section or on WhatsApp, I will bully you in Svenska.

For those who would say, ah FK you didn’t tell me you’ve travelled, e dakun ema binu.

Till your next visit – stay blooming!

Am I normal? I post weird pictures of my baby!

By
FK
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20

A couple of weeks after I had Aridunnu, I saw an article about, and for, parents who feel that their newborn does not look cute, on BabyCenter. BabyCenter is a multifunctional app for women, couples, and parents; it can help you track your fertility, coach you through pregnancy, prepare you for delivery, and walk you through raising a healthy and happy baby. There are a number of such apps actually, but this is the one I used and still use. Apps like this are much better than running to Google each minute you feel something; these days if you googled ‘stomach ache’, you just might come off thinking you have cancer.

Google ki la gbe, ki lo ju? (Google it’s not that deep!)

Quick example here, around 6 weeks after I got pregnant, I bled. My heart goes out to any reader who has lost a baby – at any stage (miscarriage, born sleeping etc.), pulling through that is the true definition of ‘strong’. At barely 2 months gone, I wept like a baby, I refused to speak to SA all evening, as though he had a hand in it – lol. Because if you see what google had to say ehn? Anyways, on BabyCenter, and after meeting a O&G the next day, I realized it could have been either the implantation still, or just cervical changes – in the simplest terms. That said, lets focus on today’s focus.

Do folks really worry about how their baby looks? I am not referring to babies with a medical condition or any deformity. Just concerns about whether a baby is cute enough, big or small eyed, chubby enough, hairy enough, etc. No jokes there o, because the article I referred to up there, took its time appealing to new parents to let go of their expectations or fantasies, and accept their baby’s features for what they are.

Ha-mazing!

Why do we like to pressure and punish ourselves unnecessarily? Like almost everything else, is there also an innate tendency to compare babies? I am sure you’re wondering ‘Ibo latun jasi yi ooo, FK’, hmmm.

It was TFash, my sister, that got me thinking. She asked me to share a photo of Aridunnu with her on a certain day, and she specified that I was to dress her up for the pictures because she intended to post them. I blinked twice, and then a third time, as I processed and reprocessed the request. I queried her about why Aridunnu had to be specially dressed for posts, and she teased me about how I had ‘shamelessly’ posted her as she messily ate Mangoes – she claimed that was weird, in fact, that I am weird. Looool! The laughter was both ways, I am sure we thought each other ridiculous.

…and daaaz right! This is TFash. Rolls eyes.

Am I normal? Or is there actually a code of conduct for this thing, “only share what’s gorgeous and picture perfect”? No way! Hell to the N and to the O! A baby sucking on mangoes is messy, I am not going to dress that up to look fancy, nor refrain from sharing – it was beautiful to me! My little girl was diligently feeding herself on my best fruit, after Agbalumo. You can call me weirdo, I like.

Look, the bed isn’t laid all the time, I get tired I don’t do dishes immediately anymore, sometimes she eats without a bib because we just cant find any of the many, she sticks her hands in the butter at that very moment when I take one glance away, well yeah – if I want to take and share a picture in all of that, I will, I freaking will.

Ooops!

Dear you, I encourage you to feel free to keep it real too. So here is ‘cheers’ to many more messy photos, and weird photos, alongside the picture perfect ones.

Till your next visit here – stay blooming!!!

How My Daughter Got Me Thinking

By
FK
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0

 

Aridunnu started to sit up just before she clocked 4 months. One night after work, I was having my usual mother-daughter time with her in my bedroom (this just means playing, talking, and giggling with just her, not minding my phone or anything else). I propped her on my thighs which were slanted, so she could lay down, rest her back, and still see my face. To my utmost surprise, she pushed back up forcefully with her elbows. She couldn’t get into a sitting position herself, but she kept pushing. It was as though she knew her persistence would make me pull her into a sitting position, eventually.

The next milestone after this was her flipping from her back to her belly milliseconds from the moment she is dropped on the bed or rug. Then she began to lunge for things, she would push herself forward when she sees something she wants to touch, or of course experience with her mouth (why does everything have to go into a baby’s mouth by the way?). After a couple of days of  doing this, she began crawling, albeit slowly and shakily. There are times my dear Bloom would go on a screaming bout, just yammering incoherent babylese. I reckon she is trying to emulate us and talk.

So, I was meditating one day and I realized this, you can call it a light bulb moment if you please – child development is absolutely hinged on curiosity.
Take away the keen interest of a baby in touching or reaching for something, or in imitating the actions of those around them, and you’d likely see that that child would not start to sit, crawl, stand, or talk. Curiosity is what spurs a baby to try to do what he/she cannot yet do. Repeatedly trying to do it, in turn, strengthens the muscles to a point where they can now carry out that action or function effortlessly.

Another thing that works for babies my daughter’s age, is that they really do not understand reprimand or discouragement. So, until what she wants to touch is out of her sight, she won’t stop trying, even if it’s a plate of steaming hot stew. She seems to interpret my sharp remarks; “stop it!” or “don’t touch that!”, as code phrases for “let’s play a game; do the exact opposite of what I say!”.
I am glad and proud that much early, I have learned to appreciate, encourage, and engage her curiosity and her attempts at doing new things carefully, as opposed to shooing her off, which is common.

It’s hard to live like a baby. Yet, what greater feats we just may achieve if we never stopped being curious, inquisitive, reaching, and fearless as we grow older; being unconcerned with self-doubt, the fears of failure and loss, criticism, and scorn. If only we too can choose to turn the contrary voices in our heads, and around us into code words for – go get it! Yes, you can!

Someone once told me that the best drivers are those who learned to drive as teenagers; this person lives in Lagos by the way – you know what ‘best driver’ means in Lagos. Teenagers are thrilled about moving a vehicle, and showing up around in their parent’s cars. They would ram into a fence, get flogged silly, and still get back in the car the next evening – I doubt they know that PTSD is a thing. So why is adulting and fear, like the proverbial 5 and 6? I think it’s the awareness of everything that could possibly go wrong that keeps many on the extremes of conservativeness – lets just leave well enough alone, right?

I haven’t invented anything yet, and I benefit so much from technology and innovation; electricity, airplanes, mobile phones etc. In the end it’s people who give in to curiosity in spite of the everything that could go wrong, that truly drive impact. People who question what’s already existing and celebrated. People who never leave well enough alone.

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© Bloom with Folake (mi)