Friday, September 22, 2023
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Thinking of Celebrating Someone Special? Top 10 Ideas

By
FK
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10

Some of us are a fountain of innovation and creativity when celebrating a loved one, the rest of us dread it. It’s not that we love this special someone any less, we just wish they’d tell us what they want! The thinking and planning and all that mushy stuff, are just not our way. Well, whichever divide you’re on, here are ten ideas on what you can do to celebrate that special someone on a big day, or a random one.

  1. Picture Book: Last year, a friend of mine shared the picture book his girlfriend made for him for his birthday. It was a comic book, with several pages depicting them both as cartoons, and her saying lots of sweet things about him and their relationship. It was ingenious! Out of the norm and touching. I attempted replicating it for SA on his birthday in 2021 but didn’t get the right vendor in time. Side gossip; my friend got married one year later to a different lady.

Money Bouquet - A Luxury Mix of Cash And Roses Credit: flowersandflowers.com.ng

2. Flowers – Say what? African women love flowers, for real. They just prefer it when the petals are made of rolled legal tender, or better still, hard currency. Jokes aside, try flowers as an addition to everything else on their birthday, or any day at all that you want to celebrate them. I know that I was thrilled when flowers got delivered to my office on my birthday, and they decorated our dining table for days. Always remember to add a note – mandatorily. Then you may choose to throw in some chocolate and movie tickets for two. Another great time to buy flowers is when your spouse is unwell, but remember to always add a note.

3. Record a Video with family & friends: While this is quite common, it evokes the right feeling when done right. So why not? I have done recordings on request for people who wanted to make a video from well-wishers for their partner. I have also had a video made for me. You can tweak it from being a well-wishes video to one where your close friends and/or family mention how happy they are that you’re in this person’s life. (i.e., Hi Segun, I want you to know that Tolu’s eyes light up with excitement every time she talks about you). Who wouldn’t love to hear this? Disclaimer: Please be smart enough to not include folks your partner wouldn’t appreciate seeing, e.g. an ex-.

4. Print a Prayer Booklet: A friend of mine shared this with me recently. She had reached out to friends and colleagues of her partner and gotten notes (prayers and well-wishes) which she compiled with their pictures in a booklet. She splattered pictures of him and his friends all around. Of course, the last well-wisher was her, and she did a good job making her comments more about him than them (her and him). I haven’t gotten feedback on his reaction, but who wouldn’t love that?

Credit: Jon Tyson (Unsplash)

5. Surprise Party/Hangout: The focus should be on what he/she loves not what you love. This is a common issue in relationships; one partner feels like they are making effort but it is not being appreciated. Hey sis/bro, are you doing what you love or what they love? If you’d plan a hangout or party, make sure your spouse loves that. If what she/he prefers is to cuddle beneath a duvet, and eat pizza while you rewatch a favorite movie, by all means, do so!  Also, you must bring the right mix of people. Don’t invite all of your friends over just because they are available, invite people she loves to have around. These two things can make all the difference. The trick of romance is thoughtfulness. A little gesture can mean so much when it’s thought through, presented specially, and at the right time.

6. Record a Song: Now you’re thinking “FK, this is taking it too far!” No. You don’t need a studio for this, nor a Timi Dakolo kinda voice. You can choose to sing, chant, or just read with a tune playing in the background. Also, there are applications on the internet that can help you create customized songs, you simply have to tell them the story and they create the tune e.g. Songfinch.com. I saw a clip of a woman who did a recording for her husband and played it in the car on their way somewhere – it wasn’t his birthday and the kids were in the car. It just came up on the car stereo and oh my, how he wept! She told the story of their life together from how they met through the storms they’ve weathered and the bliss they’ve enjoyed, how much she loved him, and how proud his late mum would have been of the man and father he has become. Epic!

7. Date night – Unlike the party/hangout, this is for just you two. It’s not so much about how classy the restaurant is or how costly the food is as it is about how much deliberateness you put into it. If you’ve got the funds buy them a dinner outfit otherwise just take some time helping them choose what to wear. Make a reservation (do people know how easy it is to do this? …and at no extra cost most times). The trick here is to make a big deal out of it – and how hard can that be?

8. Give him/her Some ‘Me Time’: ‘Me time’ means – by themself, not with you, and certainly not with the kids. For this to be appealing to your spouse, it has to be that me-time is beneficial for them. e.g a mum with a toddler or a spouse in the ministry who needs rest/retreat. Be sensible about it though; some spots should be visited with a lover – don’t send your spouse off there by themselves for me time ooo. I muueeve.

9. Billboard Ad: Coughs. If you can afford it, and you know your spouse would instantly or eventually be swept off their feet over this, please get it done. I think it was two years ago a celebrity did this for her husband, he was at the airport when a LED screen suddenly displayed his picture and birthday wishes from her. He loved it! If you can’t do Led Screen, please do signpost or lamp-post, just be on the lookout for LASAA (if you’re in Lagos for instance), and don’t look for me when they catch you.

Credit: Chijioke O.

10. Cook a Special Meal: I think this works best on ordinary days. Is there a meal that they have been longing for, or one they loved at someplace you both visited? Try it! These days you’d find 101 ways to make any dish on Youtube. a couple of days back SA thrilled me with bread toast well spread with melty butter, and a steamy cup of coffee – extra simple right? It was the timing that made it special. I had been on my laptop since 8:00 am when we woke and only took short breaks for breakfast and to cater to Ari, and it was now 2:30 pm. I was on a work call when the bedroom door opened and in came the tray. It wasn’t lunch, but it felt good. While this was a simple gesture, you can make it more than that. Surf the internet and get ideas on how to set a table. You don’t have to cook everything, could be just the main meal, while you order fruit salads and pepper soup for starters and some pastries and cookies for dessert. Buy a bottle of good wine – for the zero alcoholics you can try Apple Cider Martinelli or the now-popular Chamdor. Now you see that candle shop that no one enters at the malls, branch in there, and buy some scented candles for special effects.

What not to do:

a. Do not gift your wife a washing machine, please. In this age, that is a very unfortunate thing to do. Please know the difference between a household appliance and a gift.

b. On this paranran thing, before you send paranran to your partner’s office, call their HR and find out if paranran is policy compliant. It can be quite embarrassing for both the celebrant and his/her colleagues if it is not a welcomed practice.

c. Special sex for special days is a no-no. Trust me I understand, it’s not every time couples are up for full cycle, mindblowing sexcapades, and so there may be days when it seems more essential than exciting. Notwithstanding, it is better to be driven by a mindset that attempts to make every experience truly exciting, as opposed to settling into the mundane and looking forward to your birthday. Nope.

It’s been a long worthy read, I hope you agree.

Till your next visit – stay blooming!

Feature picture – Getty Image

The Luckiest Girl Alive

By
FK
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1

I saw a movie a couple of weeks back – The Luckiest Girl Alive. It’s based on a novel, yet I wouldn’t rate it so highly. I say that because I am partial to movies based on books. I believe that they often have better story lines, suspense and thrill. This one did not, but it had a sensible ending, and there was a message from that ending that I could relate with. It felt like a gentle push to keep going when I didn’t even realize I had stopped, a subtle ‘yes’ to a question I hadn’t even asked. Tell your story. Many people may never tell theirs, but they’d be encouraged, and even find healing from your courage.

Before the 16th of October 2022, It had been months since I last blogged, and even when I published the last post before that, I didn’t publicize it. Only subscribers would have seen it, and that’s actually a small fraction of my readers. It was like sending a message and hoping it delivers but does not get opened.

A quick digress, why do people hesitate in subscribing? You love what you read, you even comment and commend, but you don’t subscribe? Why? There is no annual fee attached, nothing. Do subscribe please, it encourages me to write more, and shows your support, I kid you not. Ok! enough of that.

Subscribe naaaaaw…

So, back to pre- 16th October, I had (still have) lots of drafts written, unpublished, and abandoned. I pour them out from my heart, very honestly, and when I am done, the big question is – Folake do you really want to share this? Do you want them to know this? What would this person or that person think? That, is how again, it becomes nothing more than just another draft. I care about how much you know – the struggles of personal blogging. Sighs. So where does that leave us? You’ve got nothing quality to read, and I am neck dip in stuff I want to share.

Wahala be like bicyle!

When I started out, I did not imagine that this would demand vulnerability. Yes, there you have it, my hesitation to be vulnerable is why I take long pauses. A senior blogger (not blogger for seniors, I mean Ogbonge blogger) that I follow said to me – “I feel that way too, so I do it when I am ready, and when I am ready I don’t care what anybody thinks”. Said just like The luckiest girl alive!

Someone, out there, somewhere, is waiting for your courage. Always waiting.

Thank you for reading – I am particularly dedicating this to everyone who shares personal stories and struggles, not only after its now a success, but while they’re in the process. It’s nothing short of courageous. There is always someone who needs it now.

Till your next visit – stay blooming!

Help! I am learning Svenska!

By
FK
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32

Svenska is the Swedish language.

A couple of weeks back, my family and I left the shores of Nigeria for Sweden – a quiet country in Northern Europe. I can’t tell you so much about Sweden in one post, and not just yet, as I still know too little, but I will in the near future. Today learn about my dilemma!

Many Swedes understand and speak English (Engelska), however there is still an overwhelming sense of language preservation – it’s as though the language itself embodies the culture. Most Swedes will not speak to you in English until and unless they absolutely have to (excluding government agencies dealing with immigrants and essential services workers, understandably). Also, most cooperate vacancies require some level of communication capability in English & Svenska. Uhmph!

So, I am integrating – painfully so. I am learning the Swedish language.

How do you teach a beginner Svenska with Svenska? Egba mi! (Collect Deliver me!)

My first day in class, I was puzzled, in fact bewildered. How do you teach a beginner Svenska with Svenska? No kidding, these guys were instructing first timers with 95% svenska and 5% sign language, and the annoying part is that they understand English! If a student speaks English, V. (my teacher) would pause, smile, and repeat herself in Svenka. Twenty minutes into the session on day 2, I was weeping, scratch that, I was wailing inside of me. A barrage of questions were running through my mind: Folake ki lo wa de Sweden? Wetin lost for your hand wey you find reach here? Did God bring you here abi you brought yourself? Heheheheh! Yes, my body was in that building, but my spirit and soul were at heaven’s gate. 

You get it?

Now imagine finally getting back home after 3 tormenting hours (V. is a great teacher so I feel sorry to say that), viewing WhatsApp statuses so I can laugh and cool my heated head, only to repeatedly see naija folks posting – “ehn o, it is where God say you should be that you should be o, or else your eyes will see shege” Looool! Omo! The thing be like say na me dem dey follow talk, because that class was the definition of shege.

Well, that’s not exactly how they posted it, but you get the drift. I really felt for myself. I could easily have been back in my hood, doing Sahel fhingz jeje. (Oro yi toun terin). I recall gisting my dad about that particular class, and before the prayers came, he laaaaughed, baba use me laugh ehn. 

I wrote the part in green by the way – na my work, na me run am, Clap for me!

We are only two Africans in my class, a class of 20 or so. I know three Nigerians who said they stopped going after a few classes, I am hoping I won’t be the 4th.

By the way, I am drafting a piece on this japa thing – from a different lens, I hope you get to read it soon. Seeing the type of way that certain opinions on social media tempted me feel on that night (I say ‘tempted’ because I sabi flee all appearances of evil), I realized that many people are writing things and sharing comments that though ordinarily harmless and perhaps intended to be so, can actually be toxic and distressing to folks who are settling into new countries. You think it was easy for Abraham? Naaa! Make sure you read it when it drops, you can also subscribe so that you don’t miss it.

That it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not the way. That it’s challenging does not mean it’s not God leading. I can’t promise that I wont quit Swedish classes, I swear V. dey carry me go where I no know. But, I’ll stay strong, and I’ll trust in His purpose, on this journey away from home.

If you tease me in the comment section or on WhatsApp, I will bully you in Svenska.

For those who would say, ah FK you didn’t tell me you’ve travelled, e dakun ema binu.

Till your next visit – stay blooming!

Am I normal? I post weird pictures of my baby!

By
FK
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20

A couple of weeks after I had Aridunnu, I saw an article about, and for, parents who feel that their newborn does not look cute, on BabyCenter. BabyCenter is a multifunctional app for women, couples, and parents; it can help you track your fertility, coach you through pregnancy, prepare you for delivery, and walk you through raising a healthy and happy baby. There are a number of such apps actually, but this is the one I used and still use. Apps like this are much better than running to Google each minute you feel something; these days if you googled ‘stomach ache’, you just might come off thinking you have cancer.

Google ki la gbe, ki lo ju? (Google it’s not that deep!)

Quick example here, around 6 weeks after I got pregnant, I bled. My heart goes out to any reader who has lost a baby – at any stage (miscarriage, born sleeping etc.), pulling through that is the true definition of ‘strong’. At barely 2 months gone, I wept like a baby, I refused to speak to SA all evening, as though he had a hand in it – lol. Because if you see what google had to say ehn? Anyways, on BabyCenter, and after meeting a O&G the next day, I realized it could have been either the implantation still, or just cervical changes – in the simplest terms. That said, lets focus on today’s focus.

Do folks really worry about how their baby looks? I am not referring to babies with a medical condition or any deformity. Just concerns about whether a baby is cute enough, big or small eyed, chubby enough, hairy enough, etc. No jokes there o, because the article I referred to up there, took its time appealing to new parents to let go of their expectations or fantasies, and accept their baby’s features for what they are.

Ha-mazing!

Why do we like to pressure and punish ourselves unnecessarily? Like almost everything else, is there also an innate tendency to compare babies? I am sure you’re wondering ‘Ibo latun jasi yi ooo, FK’, hmmm.

It was TFash, my sister, that got me thinking. She asked me to share a photo of Aridunnu with her on a certain day, and she specified that I was to dress her up for the pictures because she intended to post them. I blinked twice, and then a third time, as I processed and reprocessed the request. I queried her about why Aridunnu had to be specially dressed for posts, and she teased me about how I had ‘shamelessly’ posted her as she messily ate Mangoes – she claimed that was weird, in fact, that I am weird. Looool! The laughter was both ways, I am sure we thought each other ridiculous.

…and daaaz right! This is TFash. Rolls eyes.

Am I normal? Or is there actually a code of conduct for this thing, “only share what’s gorgeous and picture perfect”? No way! Hell to the N and to the O! A baby sucking on mangoes is messy, I am not going to dress that up to look fancy, nor refrain from sharing – it was beautiful to me! My little girl was diligently feeding herself on my best fruit, after Agbalumo. You can call me weirdo, I like.

Look, the bed isn’t laid all the time, I get tired I don’t do dishes immediately anymore, sometimes she eats without a bib because we just cant find any of the many, she sticks her hands in the butter at that very moment when I take one glance away, well yeah – if I want to take and share a picture in all of that, I will, I freaking will.

Ooops!

Dear you, I encourage you to feel free to keep it real too. So here is ‘cheers’ to many more messy photos, and weird photos, alongside the picture perfect ones.

Till your next visit here – stay blooming!!!

How My Daughter Got Me Thinking

By
FK
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0

 

Aridunnu started to sit up just before she clocked 4 months. One night after work, I was having my usual mother-daughter time with her in my bedroom (this just means playing, talking, and giggling with just her, not minding my phone or anything else). I propped her on my thighs which were slanted, so she could lay down, rest her back, and still see my face. To my utmost surprise, she pushed back up forcefully with her elbows. She couldn’t get into a sitting position herself, but she kept pushing. It was as though she knew her persistence would make me pull her into a sitting position, eventually.

The next milestone after this was her flipping from her back to her belly milliseconds from the moment she is dropped on the bed or rug. Then she began to lunge for things, she would push herself forward when she sees something she wants to touch, or of course experience with her mouth (why does everything have to go into a baby’s mouth by the way?). After a couple of days of  doing this, she began crawling, albeit slowly and shakily. There are times my dear Bloom would go on a screaming bout, just yammering incoherent babylese. I reckon she is trying to emulate us and talk.

So, I was meditating one day and I realized this, you can call it a light bulb moment if you please – child development is absolutely hinged on curiosity.
Take away the keen interest of a baby in touching or reaching for something, or in imitating the actions of those around them, and you’d likely see that that child would not start to sit, crawl, stand, or talk. Curiosity is what spurs a baby to try to do what he/she cannot yet do. Repeatedly trying to do it, in turn, strengthens the muscles to a point where they can now carry out that action or function effortlessly.

Another thing that works for babies my daughter’s age, is that they really do not understand reprimand or discouragement. So, until what she wants to touch is out of her sight, she won’t stop trying, even if it’s a plate of steaming hot stew. She seems to interpret my sharp remarks; “stop it!” or “don’t touch that!”, as code phrases for “let’s play a game; do the exact opposite of what I say!”.
I am glad and proud that much early, I have learned to appreciate, encourage, and engage her curiosity and her attempts at doing new things carefully, as opposed to shooing her off, which is common.

It’s hard to live like a baby. Yet, what greater feats we just may achieve if we never stopped being curious, inquisitive, reaching, and fearless as we grow older; being unconcerned with self-doubt, the fears of failure and loss, criticism, and scorn. If only we too can choose to turn the contrary voices in our heads, and around us into code words for – go get it! Yes, you can!

Someone once told me that the best drivers are those who learned to drive as teenagers; this person lives in Lagos by the way – you know what ‘best driver’ means in Lagos. Teenagers are thrilled about moving a vehicle, and showing up around in their parent’s cars. They would ram into a fence, get flogged silly, and still get back in the car the next evening – I doubt they know that PTSD is a thing. So why is adulting and fear, like the proverbial 5 and 6? I think it’s the awareness of everything that could possibly go wrong that keeps many on the extremes of conservativeness – lets just leave well enough alone, right?

I haven’t invented anything yet, and I benefit so much from technology and innovation; electricity, airplanes, mobile phones etc. In the end it’s people who give in to curiosity in spite of the everything that could go wrong, that truly drive impact. People who question what’s already existing and celebrated. People who never leave well enough alone.

Don’t Ask What I have Achieved, Please.

By
FK
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3

Hi there!

I know I know. You’re wondering where I have been, right?

Well, time does fly. I can’t believe it’s almost 2 months since my last post here.

To be honest, I have just been overwhelmed with myself. I have not been excited by many things lately – not that I post when I am excited (as in happy), but rather when something excites (as in stirs or drives) me into a writing frenzy, and moves me to share a single thought in over a thousand words.

Sighs. Time does fly, and you don’t even have to be having fun.

Anyways, by now you’ve figured I am pretty much just rambling today. But I do have a thought to share.

In the first week of June, Aisha… Hmm, a pause there.

I haven’t introduced Aisha to you before now, I’d really love for you guys to meet her. I promise I’ll do a post about her someday in the near or distant future (only God knows) when I no longer work with her (that reads some type of way – weird). So, Aisha said to herself “It’s June already – almost half of 2022, what have I achieved this year?”

No, nope, nah. She wasn’t in a serious reflective mode, it was more of a jesting, self-mocking question. But have you asked yourself that question yet this year?

Well when I asked myself, all I could muster as an answer was ‘Wo see Folake just leave me, I am tired, abeg.’ LOL!!! For real.

So instead I decided to ask myself a different question – what am I doing now, Is there some value in it?

I have a super amazing friend who has become a sister, she relocated from Nigeria to another country to be with her husband. She hasn’t gotten a corporate job yet but spends her time loving her husband, studying, reaching out to friends, sharing experiences, and counseling.
I have two adorable mums who have spent huge parts of the year being nannies for free.
I have a sister who has been home for months because of a school strike, she’s catering to my dad and brother while my mum is away, she’s sewing to make some money, and learning what she can off the internet to keep busy.

I am sure there are countless more people who have spent the first half of this year just waiting, just making sacrifices, just getting by, or just learning.

I remember January to March last year – 2021, I had just left a toxic job in November 2020, in mindfulness of my mental health (I would rather pray about, and commit my time to work towards getting a great job than get comfortable praying for strength to bear ill-treatment because of a salary. When I tell people I will leave any job hastily where I don’t have peace of mind, they think I am joking. Work can be challenging, but it must never be peace draining. Pardon the digression).

Even though I got called for interviews almost everywhere I applied in Lagos, I couldn’t take any of these seriously because I was relocating soon. Also, the companies I applied to in Abuja either insisted I show up physically for the interview or be ready to start in a month’s time. Neither of these options was viable at the time, so all I could do was wait – for 3 months (December to February), two whole months in a new year. No I wasn’t idle, I mean I started a food business, but imagine me having to answer the question ‘what have I achieved this year?’ I was only making little enough to handle my phone bills, logistics and personal effect, without touching my savings – was that achievement?

Ordinarily, it’s a great question to ask. I mean if you set goals, its safe to see just how far you’ve come through those milestones. But for some, putting the question that way would just result in depression and high BP that is not needful. You can be 33 and be at the phase where your own question should be – what am I doing now, is there some value in it? You can be 22 and you are happy to answer – ‘what have I achieved this year?’ So your age is not the point.

I am not encouraging idleness, or anything of such, I mean I have had a most eventful year so far, from having a baby, to organizing a high-impact/high-level program, I am the absolute opposite of idle, yet please Folake, don’t ask me what I have achieved, but feel free to ask me what I am doing/have done, and if there is some value in it. This is enough right now, abeg.

I am not rambling. Just reminding you to think more in the line of “am I adding value somehow?”, than “am I checking off a list of things called achievements?”.

C-Section Mummy is Mummy Part 2

By
FK
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3

So, I had my baby by vaginal birth (I am pretty sure you thought this was about me, no.). It was what I desired and trusted God for, both I and SA, but if it had come down to having a C-section, I wouldn’t have hesitated.

I wanted the pride of “oh, I suffered to born you.”

I knew about epidural, but seeing as it tended to increase the duration of labor, I was willing to go without it, so as not to stress my baby too much. Ok let me not lie, maybe in my sub-sub-sub-conscious mind, I wanted the pride of “oh, I suffered to born you.” Looking back now kai, all I tell myself is – “Folake ehn, you too like suffer-head”.  I endured labor till I was about 7cm dilated (I honestly hope you are one of those who understand what that feels like for an induced mum), and then I DEMANDED an epidural (something I should have started with jeje), in fact, I was almost past that phase where they could apply it, seeing as my contractions seemed to be seconds apart and I could barely sit still from one contraction to the next. That one hour of sleep after it was administered, remains the best sleep I remember having in my last 28 years. I woke up from it, and Aridunnu was born within the hour.

So, if you put me side by side with a woman who did not use an epidural to birth her baby, what reason do I have to feel ashamed? Why would either of us not see ourselves as champions? The same applies to the mother who had to birth her baby via CS – she is a champion. The procedure has its own risks, and recovery isn’t nearly as quick as a vaginal birth, why go through that much sacrifice to be a mum and feel disappointed in yourself?

…the ‘Hebrew woman’ pressure is serious pressure.

Dear C-section mummy, stop explaining yourself out, stop feeling you need to let them know why it was necessary – because you worry that if you don’t, they’d think you’re weak, faithless, or less of a mum? You are not. The one that gave birth vaginally was helped of God, and the one that had a CS was equally helped of God, Kii se nipa ti agbara (delivering a child is not by strength)!

My parents (all four) were huge support from the moment we announced our conception till she was born. But even they were still a source of pressure. The way they spoke of CS, prayed openly against it, and in fact scolded my doctor about it, I felt I would have been a disappointment to them if I had ended up having my baby by CS. After Aridunnu was born, one of my parents said – I am so proud of you! While this made me feel good, I still wondered if they’d have said these exact words should I have had a C-section.

They were just being loving, but pressure is pressure, and the ‘Hebrew woman’ pressure is serious pressure. No jokes there.

 

So instead of saying “CS is a bad thing o, it will not be your portion, you’ll deliver like the Hebrew woman in Jesus name my dear child”, you could say “Your delivery will be complication-free in Jesus name. You have a covenant of life in Christ, and a command for fruitfulness, so shall it be for you. God who caused you to conceive, will also cause/help you deliver”.

The C-Section is an alternative that can help a woman having complications to still give birth to her baby safely. It is not an unfortunate incident that happens to weak and faithless women, no! This write-up stemmed from the provocation of seeing yet another woman attempt to explain why she had a CS in a bid to validate her experience to her audience. You my dear reader can help stop it, by having a paradigm shift, and a language change.

Now for us Christians and bible scholars, you do know that the Hebrew women were birthing their babies in their houses without the help of midwives? If there was a similitude of hospitals or maternity clinics back then, we can rightly assume that the Egyptian soldiers had closed them down. But now you’d rarely consider giving birth at home, right? You go for antenatal classes, hold monthly and then weekly sessions with your O&G, and pack for the hospital when it is time – quite unlike the ‘Hebrew woman’.

Stop it!!!

C-section Mummy is Mummy Part 1

By
FK
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6

Cesarean Section, C-section, CS, you know what it is.

I would like to think I came to know it for the first time in my early teens, and as far back as then, it seemed to connote tragic childbirth, weak womanhood, misfortune, and even wickedness to a husband – seeing as he’d have to pay almost 5 times the hospital bill for a vaginal delivery. Also, for us Christians it felt bad, shameful, and faithless to not give birth like the biblical ‘Hebrew woman’.

In my early twenties, the campaign against emotional blackmail, victimization, and whiplashing of women who have their babies through CS picked up. Sadly, it didn’t start just because of better education, it started because of horrible experiences. Families, friends, and colleagues, cried out about their losses and shared horrific tales of avoidable pain and death of women and their babies on the delivery bed.  Stories like the ones below, filled newspapers, radios, magazines, and several media platforms.

…she bled to death

“Her husband refused to sign off on the operation, his mother said CS is an abomination, she bled to death”

“Though her pelvis was too small for the baby to go through, they insisted it must be a vaginal delivery – or how else would they testify?”

“She could have been saved, she could have lived, but we wouldn’t listen – at least not when we still could.”

Sighs! While I may never have heard the other side of these stories, nor come to terms with the regrets those left alive may have felt, I know for a fact that many women today still feel the need to explain and validate themselves over and over after going through a CS, and this shouldn’t be.

He is the originator and benefactor of the knowledge that drives medicine & surgery

Now, I am not saying go and opt for an Elective CS, especially out of fear, no, you have nothing to fear. The average woman’s body is designed to conceive and deliver. But say, for instance, you are unable to conceive when you want, or you do conceive but your pelvis is found to be too small, or maybe like me, labor doesn’t kick in by itself and you’re past due, are you any less of a woman? No!

God is there to help you come through anything, and He is the originator and benefactor of the knowledge that drives medicine & surgery (before you crucify me, humans can take a good thing and use it wrongly, such as we see in the changing a female into a male – the use for good or bad is a ‘human’ problem). Clinicians warn against elective CS, and so do I, but it is still your choice, and you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. If you opt for an elective CS and go through with it, God’s love for you wouldn’t drop one bit, you would still be able to trust him to keep you and your baby through the procedure.

…what matters is going in and returning safely with your baby – no complication, no loss.

Delivery is delivery, vaginally or by CS, what matters is going in and returning safely with your baby – no complication, no loss. God can heal diseases miraculously without the intervention of science or medicine, still, he can heal diseases by causing the body to respond correctly to medication. Medicine is not the opposite of faith, instead, it is a tool in the hand of God. Jesus in his ministry on earth healed the sick by speaking, touching, or even mixing spit with soil, He can use anything, don’t put Him in a box.

There is a place of divine instruction and guidance, you know it for what it is, and obedience is key. But otherwise, always remember that medicine is not the opposite of faith, but a tool in God’s hands. This also shows that you don’t place your trust in science or medicine, you place your trust in God. I can only hope this is clear as we proceed to part 2 of this piece.

FK Goes Back to Work

By
FK
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7
Unless it was your birthday, yesterday was just another Monday for almost everyone. For me, it was a special one – the first working day this year. Have you had that feeling when you’re walking out of the cinema, after just seeing a beautiful movie, and as you and tens of other people throng down the stairs, the lights come on and it’s like an imaginary shout “welcome back to the real world, the movie is over!”? Immediately you’re thinking, what am I going to cook tonight? Oh, the car has a flat tire! Oh, I hope there is light at home now. Most people are familiar with the feeling. That was how I felt – welcome back to the real world!

Welcome back to the real world!

I love my job/work, it’s very meaningful and I do very well at it, yet I find it upsetting to think of it more as the ‘real world’ than the last three months have been.
Whether it is ‘complication free’ or labeled ‘fragile’, pregnancy is hard and everyone knows that. What I have newly learned however is that in the context of motherhood, pregnancy is the easy part. LOL! You see, from delivering a child to recovering, breastfeeding (if you’re able to), dealing with so many people (visits, calls, texts, etc.), nurturing the baby, housekeeping, dealing with moods (and hopefully not depression), oh yes and trying to lose some weight, any woman could lose herself. When I think of it, I am so appreciative of every mother, particularly African mothers – it is rather common in this part of the world to make light of the toll that all these take on the body and mind of a woman. Now, imagine having to call these ‘the movie’.
So about resuming at work after about 3 months, I can’t describe how I felt in one word, perhaps not even two. It was like a buzz, or whirling of different emotions and thoughts. I felt enthusiastic about it, the meetings, calls, client visits, research and writing, bouncing ideas with colleagues I hadn’t seen in weeks, phew! But I also felt sad, I’ll be gone almost 10 hours straight without seeing my dearest Aridunnu. While she is in good hands, nothing feels quite as perfect as being with her. I worried about if she’ll miss me or not, would she give one of her broad toothless smiles when I return home by evening, or she’ll not even notice – silly right? I know. Seeing as I am writing this on Tuesday, I should just tell you, she didn’t smile at first, she just stared at me and all the gymnastics I was doing. It didn’t stop me from carrying her and kissing her all over, and she soon began to smile and almost giggle.
Asides being away from my baby, there was also that subtle anxiety, that nagging feel of starting over at the firm. Ok well, even if I picked up where I left off, everyone else has been moving on, and getting by. For colleagues at work, its 1 quarter down and 3 to go, for this new mum it is – happy new year. Sighs! Anyways we are breaking biases, ain’t we?

Look on the bright side!

Now, before you sigh along with me, know this, as I stepped out yesterday morning I chose to replace these concerns with positive thinking.
Consider this – when I left work, I was a pregnant woman, now I resume as a mum – this is a thing of pride and I’ll wear it as though it were a crown of gold with precious stones set in it.
Also while 9-5ers across the world are jaded already from one whole quarter of work, I am resuming clear headed and bustling with enthusiasm and grace.
Before now, I had only SA to look forward to at the end of each day, now I have Aridunnu as well.
People say, may our children make us proud, in the mean while I also hope to make my children proud, starting with Aridunnu – a new motivation to excel.
Now I would happily join group photos, I used to dread them – my 3rd trimester look was something else.
My weekends would be much more meaningful and treasured! I won’t simply look forward to laundry and sleep, but to quality mummy time.
I charged myself with these thoughts, and got into the swing of things. Guess what the day went well and ended so much better than I could have imagined.
First I realized I was at peace about Ari’s welfare – thank you mum, and all glory to God! Dear new mum, if you’ll function well in your career pursuits, please know you must first be at peace with where or with whom your child is kept.
Next I realized just how much I had missed work, and beyond that, how much I had missed the me that works – doing what I do is such a vital part of who I am.
Lastly, my colleagues and boss (a super amazing soul) blew my mind away! They wrapped up the day with a surprise welcome for me. I wasn’t expecting this as they had done so much already before and after Ari birth. I had a little chat with one of SA’s friends, a brother to me, recently. He believes Nigerian youths have no choice in where they work, as they are willing to take horrible options since jobs are scarce. I won’t pose my argument here, instead I’ll advice both the young and growing to keep praying for God’s favor. Dear new mum, those you work with can either make your life hell, or make it a livable. Just knowing they care, was a good way to end the day and boost my courage to forge forward.

FK’s welcome back to work

If you are a working mum, I hope you draw strength from knowing you are not alone, look on the bright side and shine everyday.

A Wig for the Job – IWD2022

By
FK
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0

Earlier today, I participated in a webinar celebrating International Women’s Day, and it made me reflect on my professional journey. I recalled an experience I had just before the covid-19 pandemic hit the country.

I wondered how a long weave-on mattered more for the job than the knowledge and skills that I brought to the table

I wanted extra income, so I applied for a weekend training job with a renowned training institute in Lagos state, and I got invited for the interview. It was one interview I absolutely enjoyed taking, and it went perfectly well until the end when the lead recruiter said to me “I like women with long hair. Why do you have your hair plainly woven, and without a wig? You aren’t taking us seriously? If you’ll be joining the team, you must get wigs” Oh yes! This happened. I wondered how a long weave-on mattered more for the job than the knowledge and skills that I brought to the table.

I have seen men get paid more than their female counterparts because of the belief that they cater to their households. I have also seen confident and expressive women tagged as aggressive, while the same is considered as assertive and appropriate in the male counterparts.

Whatever our sphere of influence – small or large, within our families or on a company’s board, we must stay committed to breaking these biases, cancelling cultures that attack and stifle the growth of women everywhere and in the corporate spaces, rooting out these erroneous constructs, and wrong socialization that continue to limit women.

Everyone has a role to play, and so everyone needs to be educated accordingly.

At some point in the webinar, the moderator called on her colleague, a man, to share some information with the audience, but apologized first for having to call him up. No! More than ever before, more men should be encouraged to participate in, and champion courses and initiatives that promote gender equality. To achieve gender equality in a world of men and women, we must involve men. Everyone has a role to play, and so everyone needs to be educated accordingly.

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