How to move on, without closure

Closure means different things to different people; acceptance, apology, explanation, restitution, reconciliation, a gift, or a simple recall of something that was said. Sometimes it is a combination of at least two of these. In a broad sense, closure is an action or interaction that suffices as settlement. While it may not remove a scar, it often kickstarts or catalyzes healing.

...you feel helpless against it

When a person has had a traumatic experience that they can’t seem to move on from or a hurt that won’t go away, it can be because they haven’t found closure. Sometimes it feels like an emptiness that won’t fill up. You feel strong and fresh emotions from an event that happened a long time back, and while you may not hate or despise anyone, you know that you are stuck in a place of pain and anger, regret, or even shame, and you feel helpless against it.

It may be as simple as getting fired from your job unfairly, parental abandonment, sexual assault without consequences to the perpetrator, being ghosted by a friend, or the sudden death of a loved one. Incidents like these would leave anyone with questions, and not getting answers can feel devastating. It feels like fetters keep you tied to that incident, and there is no moving forward or leaving it behind.

...closure does not translate to liberation

I have had a fair share of situations like this, where I felt I needed closure to get past it. There was a time when I went out of my way to show love, honor, and acceptance to certain people, and after a little while, I learned that they were saying very unkind things about me. It was hard to deal with because it wasn’t a setting where I could casually call everyone up and seek clarity. I had questions but no one to provide the answers; and soon the hurt became anger. I became like an active volcano, boiling and simmering, waiting for the perfect time to erupt. By God’s mercy, I never erupted, but a lava-full mountain was already a bad enough thing to become.

In my recent reflections on how I managed to move past most of these things, I realized that while closure is helpful in healing and emotional recovery, it is not responsible for liberation. Remorse or restitution from others has never been the reason I moved forward, rather I first acknowledged how I felt and then chose to move forward despite it. So while an apology may feel good to have, it wouldn’t matter if it never came. Closure places importance on what someone else can do for you; that is to say, only the person or system that hurt you can release you. It is a mindset that takes power from you and leaves it in the hands of other people. That can’t be right.

...fill up with faith, zeal & zest!

Not getting closure cannot be your excuse for staying down and swirling in the filth of anger, resentment, shame, or depression. For your own sake, you must face the pain (yes, whatever it is), and fill the emptiness with something more than the answers anyone can give you. Fill it up with faith, zeal, and zest.

Sometimes, it’s our ego that needs the apology, our curiosity that insists and waits on an explanation, or perhaps the fear of moving on. Whatever your experience may have been, I hope you remember that the most significant piece you need to move on is you.

Till your visit here, stay blooming.

Feature image from iStock by Getty images